Ok so it's been a while since the last time I wrote anything. I've missed writing but I've been afraid that y'all would get bored with my blog and might be annoyed if I wrote about the same stuff. Needless to say my life has not been completely uneventful since the last time I wrote.
Just to give you an abbreviated version I climbed on the Rock, fell off the Rock, subsequently popped both of my knees out of place, dropped my rock climbing instructor out of a tree (it wasn't entirely my my fault and I did catch him before he hit the ground), signed up for skydiving/ many other adventurous trips, I became a vegetarian, I quit being a vegetarian, I started attending a Zumba and Yoga class (which I LOVE), I found out that I'm allergic to wheat products, and I have since renewed my obsession with Adventure Guy.
What prompted me to write now was a blog post a friend wrote. In this particular post she was talking about all of the things she feels shame about in her life. This made me think about my own "shames".
I am shamed by the fact that I can't seem to give up junk food. That I never stick to a diet for very long. When I say diet I mean eating healthier and giving up processed foods. And the fact that I am obsessing with this same stupid guy again and we never even talk!
I mean he did ask me if I was going to go skydiving a couple of weeks ago and I swear a month before that I saw him staring at me through his car window. But I can't help thinking this is all leading to my own crazy paranoia about him. It doesn't help that the last time I talked to him he asked me if I was going skydiving and the day before one of his ex-girlfriends asked me the same thing. She now lives an hour away. That seemed a little too confidential to me.
And this obsession just reminds me of one of the most embarrassing things I have done in recent history. Last semester I went on a white water rafting trip with a group from school, I think I've discussed this before, but what I left out was that on the way home I was sitting in the front seat of the lead suburban. Adventure Guy was driving the other van and was in the space right beside us.
When I looked over at the van AG started to mouth stuff. It started out with 'F**k You' and then morphed into 'I Want to F**k You'. So being the shy girl that I am who is trying to break out of her shell, I thought it was funny and started to mouth stuff back (I'm leaving what I said out because it's making me physically cringe just thinking about it). I was WRONG!!!! I was so very very wrong because I happened to look over my shoulder and the driver of our car was the one who he was actually mouthing stuff to. I wanted to fall off the face of the earth.
I have never told that story to anyone. But as my other shames come to the surface this one keeps replaying in my head. And I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what to do about my inability to stop eating these foods and what to do about this guy.
http://going-on-from-there.blogspot.com/2012/03/shame-game.html this a link to my friends blog, the one that inspired this post is called The Shame Game. If you haven't read this blog it's called Moving on From There and you are really missing a great read.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Life on The Rock
I signed up for a rock climbing class this semester and it is definitely not going well. The one class I expected to be easy has now become my living nightmare.
You see I knew that I was afraid of heights but this class is taking it to the next level of fear. I spent roughly ten minutes crying this morning and then it took another hour of biting the inside of my mouth to keep from crying even more.......I hate this class. No scratch that I hate the Rock. The Rock is a rather large outdoor bouldering wall. It has a large cushioned pad on the inside for when someone falls and the entire thing has about five feet of ground tar bits surrounding it (and if you don't know tar bits are actually really springy & definitely better to land on than normal ground). It's actually a really nice bouldering wall.
So you’re probably thinking "What the heck is wrong then?” Well there are many things wrong and they are all combing to create a perfect storm of panic.
Let's start at the beginning. I am profoundly afraid of heights. This stems from a natural fear of heights but has been magnified in recent years by a sever imbalance in my inner ear and nerve damage in both of my legs and feet. The nerve damage causes me to randomly and severely lean in one direction, while the inner ear damage causes extreme vertigo (if you don't know anything about vertigo then know that when I get near the edge of something, like the edge of stairs, I feel like something is pulling me towards the edge.) This is not a pleasant combination.
Next on the list are my knees. I have shallow knee caps. They slide more than jelly in a clean bowl or a sea cumber after you've poked it a couple of times (go look it up, kinda gross right?). And sometimes they pop out of place. This is always a very painful experience and in many cases happens at the least expected times. Like stepping out of a car, walking across a parking lot, or jumping down less than six inches. So the thought of jumping off the side of the bouldering wall, even into very squishy tar bits, is very scary.
Last but certainly not least is my slight phobia of new groups of people. I am aquatinted with several of the people in class but I only know one, Autumn. So the thought of falling/failing and then hurting myself in front of so many people is also terrifying. For goodness sake I only ate once in two days when I went white water rafting with a group from the college because I was so nervous. I was very Very sick when I got home, primarily from dehydration.
I was going to talk to my instructor, Kyle, today but in talking to several older students the general consensus was basically that I was just going to have to get over it. After hearing that again this morning that's when I broke down and started crying. So no I am not going to talk to Kyle because I figured he would basically tell me the same thing. I am now faced with the choice of either dropping the class or failing when I can't/possibly won't climb the rock wall.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
And I swear if any of you tell me that "I can do it", "I just need to get over it", or "blah blah blah you need to strengthen certain muscles" I will find you and slap you up side your pretty little head.
I am so tired of everyone at school that I tell this problem to trying to fix it. I AM A GIRL!!!! Sometimes all I want is for someone to give me a hug and tell me that it'll be ok. I maybe a girl, but I'm a big girl I can take care of myself. Eventually I will figure out my own solution to this problem. But in the mean time I only want to be comforted.
And so my music for this post will reflect my mood:
P. S. my mood is frustrated : )
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)